Well fortunately for me I find relief
When the world is weighin' down on me
I pop a top, I take a shot, I drop a pill
Turn the radio up, sit back and chill
Pretend my life is a bed of roses
Try not to notice all the ghosts
That are hauntin me and tauntin me
And wantin me to cut my wrists
So they can watch me bleed
And laugh at me, as I scream in agony
I get high for the sake of my family
Cause the alcohol is all that's helpin me
To cope since I went broke and lost my hope
I kicked my girl to the curb of the road
You know I couldn't afford to support us both
Hell I'm not rich, don't have a good job
Do construction work with this dude named Bob
And he's an ass. Yells at me all the time
Pays minimum wage on overtime
Still he's got it made, drives an Escalade
And gets two hundred times what I get paid
But that's okay.
I'll drink to his health and ruin mine
I'll chug liquor and he can sip red wine
And I'll be fine. Trying to find some peace
I'll quit payin' my rent and I'll break my lease
I'll live out on the streets and beg for change
Crawl in a box when it starts to rain
Fuck my family and my friends
Fuck the world, ya'll, I'm drinkin' again
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I Cried Myself to Sleep at the Sight of Who I Used To Be
So, almost two years ago I reflected on my then nineteen years of life and, well, it wasn't pretty. I was pretty much angry at myself and angry at the world for the person I was turning into. I just wasn't happy. I liked to think I was putting up a good front, but most of you who are close to me know I was in a bad place and close to hitting rock bottom. Mostly, I'd like to thank all of you who stuck with me over the last two years, and to show my appreciation, I'm going to put into perspective my now 20 years, 11 months, 3 weeks, and 1 day of life.
A lot has changed since that night two years ago. I was torn up over women, was doing horribly in school, and basically, just down right pissed off at the world. Now, I still don't understand women but I don't think that's ever going to change, I'm not on the dean's list at school but I've been doing better and better, and well, I'm pretty convinced the world is an okay place these days.
So, let's break this down even further. You women folk...well, you're all still bat shit crazy but I appreciate the little things you do. Even you trashy, hussy girls because you show me what I don't need anymore. I had my fun and basically need to find a good, respectable girl. A "take home to mom", classy, intelligent, funny, and pretty girl. If you fit that description, then, uh, well, I don't have a job or anything but want to get married?
As far as school goes, I'm quite pleased with myself. I'm starting to finally buckle down, attend class, and actually study. I'm thankful I'm about to be able to apply to the business school here and finally start taking some classes that actually interest me. Plus, I'll never have to deal with statistics again.
And now to the thing I'm most excited about: the world. People. You. Me. Us. For a long time, I would wake up and dread going throughout the day because I knew I wasn't going to be happy. And I wasn't happy because nobody was giving me a reason to be happy. But a few months ago, I realized that it's not really about me anymore. I've started to understand that I just like putting a smile on people's faces, and that, in return, I get a smile on my face.
I used to think the world was out to get me, and now I'm starting to understand that while the world wasn't necessarily turning its back on me, I sure wasn't making things easy on myself. Nobody was reaching out to me because I wasn't really reaching out to anyone either. And if you want to know a secret, you get a lot more out of life when you start giving instead of taking. Basically, I'm living by the Golden Rule now, and, to tell you the truth, it's made me a lot happier.
So, for all of you who have helped shape me into the person I am now, I just want to say thanks.
Ryan- Thanks for being my best friend since preschool, for not letting me go through things alone, and listening when I need it. Thanks for giving me stories I won't be able to tell my grandkids without censoring them.
Philip- Thanks to you too for being my best friend since preschool, for letting me know I am loved, and making sure I'm always doing okay. You've always seemed to have everything figured out and I look up to you for that and strive to do so as well.
Ballz- Thanks for never letting me take things too seriously, for sharing my irritation with women, and thanks for introducing me to metal.
Lennon- Thanks for introducing me to the Grove, for being one of the most bizarre, off the wall characters I've ever met, and filling me in on whatever is going on.
Eric- Thanks for entertaining me by yelling at NHL and Halo, for helping when nobody else will, for always doing the right thing, and for giving me a place to stay for two weeks in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been.
Lauren- Thanks for seeing through all of the good fronts I tried to put up when nobody else could see I was down, for always encouraging me with whatever crazy I idea I had at the time, thanks for just listening.
Phil- Thanks for being one of the truly nicest guys I've ever met, for putting others over yourself even when it's not fair to you, for introducing me to so many bands and movies, for being a night owl with me and giving me somebody to talk to at three in the morning. For saving that rabbit stuck in the desk drawer that was consumed in fire.
Kaci- Thanks for being Miss Kaci, for being possibly the sweetest girl I've ever met, for sharing your opinion with me and opening my mind to new things, and for giving me hope that my kids will have you as a teacher one day.
Amelia- Thanks for putting up with me, for taking everything I could throw at you and throwing it back at me twice as hard, for not letting me get too full of myself, and for reminding me just how much I dislike New York City.
And for all of you who I did not mention, I'm sorry but don't think for a second that I've forgotten about you. Any of you. Thanks for being you. Thanks for impacting my life in any way because even the tiniest thing has made an impact. Thanks again, and I hope I've been able to put a smile on your face.
A lot has changed since that night two years ago. I was torn up over women, was doing horribly in school, and basically, just down right pissed off at the world. Now, I still don't understand women but I don't think that's ever going to change, I'm not on the dean's list at school but I've been doing better and better, and well, I'm pretty convinced the world is an okay place these days.
So, let's break this down even further. You women folk...well, you're all still bat shit crazy but I appreciate the little things you do. Even you trashy, hussy girls because you show me what I don't need anymore. I had my fun and basically need to find a good, respectable girl. A "take home to mom", classy, intelligent, funny, and pretty girl. If you fit that description, then, uh, well, I don't have a job or anything but want to get married?
As far as school goes, I'm quite pleased with myself. I'm starting to finally buckle down, attend class, and actually study. I'm thankful I'm about to be able to apply to the business school here and finally start taking some classes that actually interest me. Plus, I'll never have to deal with statistics again.
And now to the thing I'm most excited about: the world. People. You. Me. Us. For a long time, I would wake up and dread going throughout the day because I knew I wasn't going to be happy. And I wasn't happy because nobody was giving me a reason to be happy. But a few months ago, I realized that it's not really about me anymore. I've started to understand that I just like putting a smile on people's faces, and that, in return, I get a smile on my face.
I used to think the world was out to get me, and now I'm starting to understand that while the world wasn't necessarily turning its back on me, I sure wasn't making things easy on myself. Nobody was reaching out to me because I wasn't really reaching out to anyone either. And if you want to know a secret, you get a lot more out of life when you start giving instead of taking. Basically, I'm living by the Golden Rule now, and, to tell you the truth, it's made me a lot happier.
So, for all of you who have helped shape me into the person I am now, I just want to say thanks.
Ryan- Thanks for being my best friend since preschool, for not letting me go through things alone, and listening when I need it. Thanks for giving me stories I won't be able to tell my grandkids without censoring them.
Philip- Thanks to you too for being my best friend since preschool, for letting me know I am loved, and making sure I'm always doing okay. You've always seemed to have everything figured out and I look up to you for that and strive to do so as well.
Ballz- Thanks for never letting me take things too seriously, for sharing my irritation with women, and thanks for introducing me to metal.
Lennon- Thanks for introducing me to the Grove, for being one of the most bizarre, off the wall characters I've ever met, and filling me in on whatever is going on.
Eric- Thanks for entertaining me by yelling at NHL and Halo, for helping when nobody else will, for always doing the right thing, and for giving me a place to stay for two weeks in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been.
Lauren- Thanks for seeing through all of the good fronts I tried to put up when nobody else could see I was down, for always encouraging me with whatever crazy I idea I had at the time, thanks for just listening.
Phil- Thanks for being one of the truly nicest guys I've ever met, for putting others over yourself even when it's not fair to you, for introducing me to so many bands and movies, for being a night owl with me and giving me somebody to talk to at three in the morning. For saving that rabbit stuck in the desk drawer that was consumed in fire.
Kaci- Thanks for being Miss Kaci, for being possibly the sweetest girl I've ever met, for sharing your opinion with me and opening my mind to new things, and for giving me hope that my kids will have you as a teacher one day.
Amelia- Thanks for putting up with me, for taking everything I could throw at you and throwing it back at me twice as hard, for not letting me get too full of myself, and for reminding me just how much I dislike New York City.
And for all of you who I did not mention, I'm sorry but don't think for a second that I've forgotten about you. Any of you. Thanks for being you. Thanks for impacting my life in any way because even the tiniest thing has made an impact. Thanks again, and I hope I've been able to put a smile on your face.
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