Drinking Again

Well fortunately for me I find relief
When the world is weighin' down on me
I pop a top, I take a shot, I drop a pill
Turn the radio up, sit back and chill
Pretend my life is a bed of roses
Try not to notice all the ghosts
That are hauntin me and tauntin me
And wantin me to cut my wrists
So they can watch me bleed
And laugh at me, as I scream in agony
I get high for the sake of my family
Cause the alcohol is all that's helpin me
To cope since I went broke and lost my hope
I kicked my girl to the curb of the road
You know I couldn't afford to support us both
Hell I'm not rich, don't have a good job
Do construction work with this dude named Bob
And he's an ass. Yells at me all the time
Pays minimum wage on overtime
Still he's got it made, drives an Escalade
And gets two hundred times what I get paid
But that's okay.
I'll drink to his health and ruin mine
I'll chug liquor and he can sip red wine
And I'll be fine. Trying to find some peace
I'll quit payin' my rent and I'll break my lease
I'll live out on the streets and beg for change
Crawl in a box when it starts to rain
Fuck my family and my friends
Fuck the world, ya'll, I'm drinkin' again

I Cried Myself to Sleep at the Sight of Who I Used To Be

So, almost two years ago I reflected on my then nineteen years of life and, well, it wasn't pretty. I was pretty much angry at myself and angry at the world for the person I was turning into. I just wasn't happy. I liked to think I was putting up a good front, but most of you who are close to me know I was in a bad place and close to hitting rock bottom. Mostly, I'd like to thank all of you who stuck with me over the last two years, and to show my appreciation, I'm going to put into perspective my now 20 years, 11 months, 3 weeks, and 1 day of life.

A lot has changed since that night two years ago. I was torn up over women, was doing horribly in school, and basically, just down right pissed off at the world. Now, I still don't understand women but I don't think that's ever going to change, I'm not on the dean's list at school but I've been doing better and better, and well, I'm pretty convinced the world is an okay place these days.

So, let's break this down even further. You women folk...well, you're all still bat shit crazy but I appreciate the little things you do. Even you trashy, hussy girls because you show me what I don't need anymore. I had my fun and basically need to find a good, respectable girl. A "take home to mom", classy, intelligent, funny, and pretty girl. If you fit that description, then, uh, well, I don't have a job or anything but want to get married?

As far as school goes, I'm quite pleased with myself. I'm starting to finally buckle down, attend class, and actually study. I'm thankful I'm about to be able to apply to the business school here and finally start taking some classes that actually interest me. Plus, I'll never have to deal with statistics again.

And now to the thing I'm most excited about: the world. People. You. Me. Us. For a long time, I would wake up and dread going throughout the day because I knew I wasn't going to be happy. And I wasn't happy because nobody was giving me a reason to be happy. But a few months ago, I realized that it's not really about me anymore. I've started to understand that I just like putting a smile on people's faces, and that, in return, I get a smile on my face.

I used to think the world was out to get me, and now I'm starting to understand that while the world wasn't necessarily turning its back on me, I sure wasn't making things easy on myself. Nobody was reaching out to me because I wasn't really reaching out to anyone either. And if you want to know a secret, you get a lot more out of life when you start giving instead of taking. Basically, I'm living by the Golden Rule now, and, to tell you the truth, it's made me a lot happier.

So, for all of you who have helped shape me into the person I am now, I just want to say thanks.

Ryan- Thanks for being my best friend since preschool, for not letting me go through things alone, and listening when I need it. Thanks for giving me stories I won't be able to tell my grandkids without censoring them.

Philip- Thanks to you too for being my best friend since preschool, for letting me know I am loved, and making sure I'm always doing okay. You've always seemed to have everything figured out and I look up to you for that and strive to do so as well.

Ballz- Thanks for never letting me take things too seriously, for sharing my irritation with women, and thanks for introducing me to metal.

Lennon- Thanks for introducing me to the Grove, for being one of the most bizarre, off the wall characters I've ever met, and filling me in on whatever is going on.

Eric- Thanks for entertaining me by yelling at NHL and Halo, for helping when nobody else will, for always doing the right thing, and for giving me a place to stay for two weeks in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been.

Lauren- Thanks for seeing through all of the good fronts I tried to put up when nobody else could see I was down, for always encouraging me with whatever crazy I idea I had at the time, thanks for just listening.

Phil- Thanks for being one of the truly nicest guys I've ever met, for putting others over yourself even when it's not fair to you, for introducing me to so many bands and movies, for being a night owl with me and giving me somebody to talk to at three in the morning. For saving that rabbit stuck in the desk drawer that was consumed in fire.

Kaci- Thanks for being Miss Kaci, for being possibly the sweetest girl I've ever met, for sharing your opinion with me and opening my mind to new things, and for giving me hope that my kids will have you as a teacher one day.

Amelia- Thanks for putting up with me, for taking everything I could throw at you and throwing it back at me twice as hard, for not letting me get too full of myself, and for reminding me just how much I dislike New York City.

And for all of you who I did not mention, I'm sorry but don't think for a second that I've forgotten about you. Any of you. Thanks for being you. Thanks for impacting my life in any way because even the tiniest thing has made an impact. Thanks again, and I hope I've been able to put a smile on your face.

Whoowhooo

I'm in Colorado and I love Philip Carroll. Hope you read this bro.

The Ghosts of All Good Things

I dread the instant my head will hit the pillow because, in that moment, they'll all come rushing in. All of them strangers, all of them jostling for my attention. They need not even try, I wish I could shut them out but I know it's a losing battle. Their words vary from pleas of help to angry outbursts to passive indifference. It would be much easier for me if they would go one at a time, otherwise, my head will burst from the clutter.

Though, I mainly sift through their words while I wait for the one voice that shows up every night. There's an eerie familiarity to it but I can never place it. It never yells, never is joyful, it's always morose and disappointed. Asking me how I could let her go, if I truly forgot the way I was raised, why I did so many things, why I gave up... And each night, I have no answers for the mounting questions and a little piece of me retreats until the voices give up and leave me to sleep.

Every morning I awaken more confused and clouded in doubt. I go through the day trying to make sense of it all, trying to think of the answers that will make them go away, only to become more frantic about the conversations the night to come will hold. I try to think of ways to avoid sleep but it is inevitable and I have to accept that I will have to endure another night.

Until last night, when the voice took on a new tone, well, an old tone really. One that I knew from long ago, long before life got in the way. And it said to me, "Why aren't you who you are supposed to be? You know this is not the way things were meant to turn out. We have given so much for you to be better, just embrace it."

And I cried. For all the things I have and have not done. For being a false image of myself. For them and all the things they have done to make me who I can be. They, the ghosts of all good things in my life, had haunted me for far too long, but now, are leading me where I need to go.

Optimism vs Pessimism

They say perception is reality and I have to agree. The world is exactly as you view it...mostly. I'm not going to try to turn this into one of those motivational, self-help kind of rants, just offer my opinion.

I just got done having a discussion with a friend of mine who is kind of in a down mood. After talking for a while, she stated that I was entirely too optimistic, in which case, I pointed out that perhaps she was too pessimistic.

After telling her "Sometimes you just have to believe that the world is going to help you out," she pointed out that she could not believe she was hearing this from me because, as she puts it, I am "usually very negative." I can't argue with that, but I revealed to her that when I do get into these negative moods, the simple idea that the world isn't out to get me and that God will take care of me, I usually feel a lot better. She's an atheist so, needless to say, that didn't really help.

But religion, in this discussion, is mostly irrelevant. My point is, the world is what you make it. If you sit around constantly focusing on the negative aspects of your life, you're going to find more and more things to be negative about. And it has taken me a long time to learn that.

I've been trying to occupy my time with things that make me most happy as of late. Simple things really; reading, writing, music, family, and friends. That has allowed me to not stress over the bad things going on recently in my life. Notice, I'm not dismissing these things, merely not worrying about them. As a good friend told me recently, you can only overcome one obstacle at a time, and when an obstacle appears, I'll deal with it when the time is right and until then, I'll focus on the good things.

Calling A Mulligun

"Remember that we become those who we die for, carrying their guilt on our shoulders, only having a life lost in the heat of innocent bravery. We are our loved ones heroes, and they won't even notice. They can't. That's the beauty of it, I guess."

For those of you who don't know, my father runs the Coca-Cola Scholarship Foundation. That means that every year, they give away 250 scholarships to high school seniors around the country. There are 200 $10,000 scholarships and 50 $20,000 scholarships, so that equals $3 million a year in scholarships.

The kids who get these scholarships are not just your regular everyday students. The people getting these scholarships are the ones making straight A's through high school. Lots of kids make straight A's though, so what else is to it? These kids are also the ones putting hundreds of hours into charity work each year. These are the kids who are captains of sports teams, presidents of student government, working 2 jobs to take care of their younger siblings because their parents aren't able to. These kids are heroes and inspirations.

It's around this time each year when my dad brings home 250 folders to look over and I like to look at them when I get the chance and I'm always amazed at what I read.

A few years ago, I attended the scholar's final night in Atlanta and was talking to this guy my age from Dallas who had received one of the $20,000 scholarships. We were just talking normal guy stuff, sports, music, girls, etc. With the night growing to an end, he said to me, "Man, you can't begin to understand how much this means to me. Not just the scholarship, but your dad has been the closest thing to a father figure I have ever had. He's only known me a few days and he's already offered to help me with anything I ever need. I hope you know how lucky you are to have him as your dad."

That stuck with me for a long time and recently it finally crashed down on top of me. I've never lived up to what I should be. I'm a smart guy, I love learning but I hate actually trying in school so I don't do as well as I should. In my heart, I love helping people, but I tend to shut people out and push them away because I'm scared. I guess I've just always been afraid of failing so I never really tried because if you never start something, you can't be expected to finish.

Well, that's going to change from now on. I've made a lot of enemies in my life and I don't have room for anymore. I do have a lot more room for friends though. So, it's time to start acting more like the man I should have already become. I want to do better in school, I want to be happy, but most of all I want to make others smile. No more chasing women, no more drinking myself into a stupor multiple times a week, no more begging God to give me things. From now on, it's whatever He wants me to receive. Wish me luck.

Stuff I've Learned Along the Way

So, as I was sitting around the family today, listening to old stories and the like, I came to the conclusion that nearly everything I have learned in life that matters, I have learned from my family and close friends. While there is no substitute for a formal education, you can't really learn to live your life in a classroom. With that being said, I've decided to present to you, the important things I have learned so far in life:

• There are two types of trouble. One is the trouble you knowingly walk into, the other is trouble that just happens...it's important to know the difference.


• You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes, after that, you had better know something.


• Foul language is a sign of a limited vocabulary. (Gotta work on that one)


• It's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and standing up for what you believe.


• There's a difference between an excuse and a reason.


• People deserve a second chance, sometimes a third, but never a fourth.


• If a woman perceives it, she's right. (Compliments of the former Colonel, now General)


• Don't trust people who are cruel to dogs.


• If you don't know what to do, it's probably a good time to ask for help.


• Go with your gut, but always have a back up plan.


• Do crazy, don't do stupid. Know the difference.


• Know when to keep your mouth shut. (Especially when women are involved)


• Actions don't always speak louder than words.


• Know when to quit.


• Sometimes you have a right to be angry, but never cruel. Know when, and how, to apologize.


• It's better to give and go without.


• Always stand up straight. (I don't really know why but I had my grandma yell it at me enough to take it to heart.)


• People think better of you when you have manners. Guys, hold doors and give up your seats for ladies.


• Respect your elders, at some point in time, they were exactly where you are.


• The 7 P's - Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.


• If you lay down with dogs, you rise up with fleas.


• You're going to make mistakes. You can't prevent mistakes and you can't change them, you've just got to learn from them.